Dealing with an ex-wife from hell when it’s over but it’s not, can send even the sanest person over the edge.
If you’re a new partner or spouse and have dealt with or are dealing with this type of situation, this post is for you.
A lot of us have known, heard of, witnessed, or been a victim of an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife from hell who can’t accept the fact that their exes have moved on.
You know exactly who I’m talking about.
They’re the ones who withhold visitation if the new partner is around.
The ones who go out of their way to let the new partners know they can have “their” man back at the snap of their fingers.
WHY IT’S SO HARD TO DEAL WITH EX-WIVES FROM HELL
Divorce and breakups aren’t easy.
It’s the death of a union between two people who loved each other deeply, and of their hopes and dreams of a future together.
The way people react to and adjust to loss depends on a lot of different factors.
How long the couple was together, who left, and what psychological or emotional issues if any, the person who is left has regarding rejection and abandonment, are among those factors.
Couples who mutually contemplate divorce or a breakup over a period of time have a higher chance of an amicable divorce or separation, and of not experiencing jealousy and territorial issues when they each move on.
Additionally, the chances of them getting along afterward are also higher if a spouse or a partner doesn’t secretly divorce the other, or suddenly springs the news that they’re moving out.
YOU CAN’T SECRETLY DIVORCE AN EX-WIFE FROM HELL AND EXPECT TO HAVE NO ISSUES
In the case of my exes’ ex-wife, a secret divorce was the red button that plunged us all into World War III.
My ex filed for divorce way before I was in the picture, but for some reason, the paperwork kept getting lost. He took that as a sign that he probably shouldn’t divorce so he remained married but separated for a few more years.
When we started seeing each other he made another attempt to push his divorce through, and it was granted.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, his estranged wife went about her business living her life as a single woman but believing they were still married.
The sudden news that she was divorced shocked and I’m sure caused her great pain.
And I understand why.
Sometimes we walk because we have to, not because there is no love.
Her reaction was what everyone should’ve expected, all things considered.
It was obvious that she didn’t want the divorce. In addition, she was never given the chance to prepare for the loss or the time to accept and be at peace with it.
As a result, she became bitter, angry, resentful, hateful, and competitive, and she directed all of that drama at me.
THE EX-WIFE FROM HELL BEGINS A CAMPAIGN OF TERROR
For five years I was called out of my name, vilified, criticized, made fun of, and talked negatively about. I had my motives questioned, was ridiculed and humiliated, and was harassed over the phone.
The ex-wife and her daughter saw me as an enemy; an intruder who had come in to steal what was theirs. Had it not been because of me, my ex wouldn’t have divorced her.
At least that’s what she believed.
OUT OF CONTROL EMOTIONS ARE THE EX-WIFE’S FROM HELL FEEDING GROUND
When you let them take over, your dignity and self-respect go out of the door.
My biggest mistakes were to not establish boundaries early on in the relationship, to let my emotions take over, and to plug into the ex-wife from hell’s drama.
My ex had a very close relationship with his daughter, which I wholeheartedly encouraged and supported. I didn’t establish boundaries because I didn’t want to be accused of trying to destroy it, something that happened anyway.
Marry a narcissist, and all kinds of crazy things happen. But that’s a story for another blog post.
The how to deal with an ex-wife from hell when it’s over but it’s not manual isn’t handed over to you when you date or marry someone with an ex. The struggle is real when dysfunctional dynamics exist.
As difficult as it was, the experience taught me valuable lessons on self-love, self-confidence, and most importantly, self-respect.
Lessons that are going to help you know how to deal with an ex-wife from hell when it’s over but it’s not.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THE EX FROM HELL WHEN IT’S OVER BUT IT’S NOT
Here are a few tips to help you deal effectively with an ex-wife from hell when it’s over but it’s not:
1. STAY TRUE TO YOU
Don’t forsake yourself and accept what you wouldn’t normally accept for fear of being misjudged or of losing anyone.
Protect your authentic self. If your partner really loves you, he’ll accept you as you are and will do everything he can to establish boundaries and stand by you. You won’t have to beg him to give you your rightful place.
2. TALK ABOUT BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS EARLY ON
Don’t be afraid to speak your mind regarding boundaries and expectations for you as a couple. Additionally, for other parties who may have an impact on your relationship. Especially boundaries and expectations for dealing with the ex-wife from hell.
Give your partner an opinion about what those boundaries should be, and what action you expect him to take when they’re violated
Clearly define and enforce boundaries:
“Yes, we can talk about the kids’ schooling.”
“No, we can’t talk about who I’m dating and if she’s spending the night.”
“Yes, we can talk about Mia wanting to pierce her nose.”
“No, we can’t discuss the kind of woman you want around our kids, and when she can or can’t come over.”
Personally, I like a man who honors and respects the mother of his children and I encourage it. But to be continuously pulled into situations that are personal in nature and have nothing to do with the children, that’s a deal-breaker.
Another big no-no and a boundary expectation that should be made clear is NO discussing your problems, your plans, etc., with children.
Adult or otherwise.
If it’s a couple thing the children don’t need to be involved. Moreover, this is a major way for the ex-wife from hell to gather intelligence. Don’t make it easy for her.
3. BEWARE OF THE WORDS “PACKAGE DEAL.”
If your boyfriend, fiancé, etc., tells you that the children and his ex-wife are a package deal, that’s a man who’s still hung up on his ex.
CUT HIM LOOSE.
You’ll never be his priority.
No matter how much you love him, you’ll love and respect yourself a whole lot more later on if you cut him loose before the “I do’s.”
4. DON’T HESITATE TO WALK.
This one’s going to be really short.
If the man in your life doesn’t respect you enough to treat you as you deserve and not allow others to disrespect you, he doesn’t deserve you.
Value yourself enough to let it go.
If you’d like more blog articles on this topic, or if you have a topic you’d like to read about, please leave a comment.
I’d love to hear from you.
Much love and peace,